You’re wearing my heart thin, as
always, dragging your fingers into
my problems. That’s all I need
though, like if you sunk into my
life and pressed a balefire to my
eyes it will torch away loneliness
until everything is holy and lovely.
If you held my body until I became
shambles I think I would be happier,
become a bouquet of mirrors so
I reflect only light. Go on, crush me
until I’m ashes and dust, colour my
life into a spectrum. I’m sorry I can’t
be anything more substantial for you.
Sarah Trajcevska, A Letter to xx
I dream myself into weightlessness,
I’ve bruised my knuckles on the steel
doors of my existence. There is a
hallway somewhere where music is
playing. I know all the words to this song
and your voice plays underneath, a drone
in the distance, your words matching
the phrases my ears need to hear.
Sarah Trajcevska, Dream Pop
I’ve missed the absence of your
touch, the empty spaces between
your fingers and my back, your
mouth and my neck. It spreads
out in front of me, warm dark
places, spaces where I can hide
my secrets, a coded room. Your
body is a labyrinth and your voice
is the map which guides my fingers
to the humdrum of your heart. I’m
waiting for your warmth to cling to
my skin so I can feel accustomed
to you again, so I can crave the
notion of being alive and alone.
Sarah Trajcevska, Body Jigsaw
I get strange when I am near you, I see
you and my insides jolt like something
in me has fled far away. You probably
enjoy this, watching me falter, words
falling off the edge of my lips, a broken
torrent. I forget things. The meaning of
the word translucent. The theory of
relativity. Basic movement, how to walk
instead of stumble, drunk on your gaze.
I walk forward and you walk back. Step
in step to me, swinging, a pendulum,
moving in tandem.
When I grow up I want to be a
daydreamer so I can dream you
into existence, all the time,
fashion your breath on my ear
as a charm to keep me safe.
I bite down on my lips and draw blood. I think I see your lips
curl into a smirk, you dig your fingers into my skin. You enjoy this too, you cling to the edge of my shadow, a phantom boy. This is the company I keep, the result of my dreaming, you and me all the time a constant murmur under my skin, your voice trailing my name into the darkness. At night when I try and sleep your ghost holds me down and curls into me, sinks into my mind. I’d wake up with a bitter taste in my mouth, like something was there which should not have been there. Your smog is holding me captive, hung over the dreary state of my body. I know you though, you’re no god. You’d let the seagulls come to pick at my bones.
I’m a scavenger, I’d grope
around in darkness for a
touch of your hand. Let me
hunger for you, let me touch
the side of your face. I’m
a volcano, I’m bursting with
nervous energy, I just want
and want and want. Let me
unfold, or let me burn out.
Go on, pick one now, the
flame is hungry. It’s been
raining for far too long.
Shame and your name are both
five letter words, I get them
confused sometimes, like one
replaces the other in my head.
I guess it makes sense, then,
we bring each other to ruin
but I can’t look into your eyes
and say anything honest. I
guess for you, my name
blends with her name, which
blends with her name. You
collect girls’ names like
dictionary words. I bet I’m
not the first girl you’ve kissed
with my name, nor will I be
the last. So I guess it doesn’t
matter. Choke on your cigarette,
then, and think of me some time.
I’ll be running into your dreams.
Sarah Trajcevska, S is for…
I’m a shipwreck between your arms,
you’ll curl me around your fingers too
easily. I was wild-eyed but I guess I
could say you tamed me, declawed my
hands, ripped the venom out of my
tongue. You stripped me down to something
which fit you better, and I didn’t even
realise until I noticed the wrinkles around
my eyes. I can sit and smile pretty now,
I can bite my lips raw, repeat the heavy
heave of the sound of my heart, I, I, I.
Sarah Trajcevska, S.O.S Love Call
I’m starting to think that I am not
real, that I made myself up, or that
I made this world I’m living in up,
or that I made up the flush of your
skin on mine or the roughness of
your hands around my waist. It’s not
that I hate myself, it’s not that I want
to claw myself out of my own skin.
Yes, I want that but I want to be
contained, to be kept an animal
in my body as a cage, a wound forced
closed. Instead I feel unhinged, like
the world is closing in on me and
I want to hold onto your hand but I’m
not sure if anything is there.
Sarah Trajcevska, Loose Friction
I haven’t felt like myself recently, like
I’ve been skinned and that someone
else out there is wearing my shadow.
Maybe I’ll find it stuck to a tree, or
hanging off a fence, or clinging to
your back, a line of defense against
your demons. Some parts of me are
hollowed out and some parts of me
are still there. I’m still waiting for a
sign to bring me back home.
Sarah Trajcevska, Draining
Someday when this is over I will
sit on the edge of the train platform
and I will smoke the last cigarette in my
packet for you. For now though I’ll
inhale your smoke and let it burn me.
Sarah Trajcevska, Prelude to an end
I’m waiting for you to give me a sign
so I can pretend to be living again. I
am lying here, heels digging into dirt
and grass, and you are sitting in a chair
gazing off into the distance. If I bite
your legs will you look down at me. I
want you to notice me, I want you to
kiss me raw and open. I am lying in
the ground, waiting for you to
wake me up. Take a drag of your
cigarette out and tap your ashes onto
the floor. I’m still waiting for you to
dream me into colour. Choke on the glass
in your throat, angle your lips onto mine.
I want to wake up.
Sarah Trajcevska, Ashes to Ashes
Break your arms around me, I
want all of your hurt. Push it all
onto me, so you don’t have to
feel anything. I’m okay with being
your shock absorber, your pillow,
I want you to crush me to pieces if
it will make you feel more alive.
Sarah Trajcevska, The Tragedy of Living
There’s a void in me so I will find
someone to help fill it, an endless black
hole. I guess I chose you, and now you’re
hands deep in cosmic mess and it’s harder
for you to leave. I’m sorry that I can’t
love you but really you are just dust and
air, and I was waiting for something a
little more substantial. I was just
impatient so I chose you. It was really
my mistake and it is my mistake again
when you will wrap your arms around
me and drag me underwater. We
were never meant to be heroes.
Leave your stardust around my throat.
Sarah Trajcevska, Supernovas